Thoughts of the Day

I am a person who has beaten cancer for almost a year so far. Although I didn’t start this blog to talk about cancer. I started this blog to talk about a lot of things, really anything I wanted because I felt this urge, this sort of pressure,  to write down my thoughts, because I have a lot of thoughts about many things. But last October of 2018, I did get diagnosed with cancer, so it may come up. But mostly I think what the blog is about is not cancer so much, but how surviving cancer, much longer than they expected me to, and being in the clear, has given me a voice, and a sense of needing to express myself more. So that’s what this blog is about really. That sort of sense of pressure one feels like before it rains, the smell and sense of rain, which is called Petrichor, like when the air is heavy, and dense and it feels like rain would relieve the pressure, so now you know why the name.

Something happened to me with going through cancer, and I’m still going through the residual effects of cancer, by the way, and chemo for a bit longer as preventative, but I am doing a lot better than I was a year ago. But again, that’s not my point. My point is something happened to me from having cancer, something quite profound.

Before I got sick, I was sort of floundering around not sure what I was doing as a divorced Mother of two, working my butt off with 3-5 jobs at times, trying to make sense of my life and not really feeling like I was able to and probably taking it for granted as well. And then I got sick, and everything changed. Suddenly small things seemed more meaningful, little moments I caught and still catch more, I was forced to slow down and take a good, hard look at my responsibility in it all, though I don’t blame myself for getting sick.

I had to take responsibility for getting well. This is a slippery slope, I am not saying if I hadn’t made it through, that it was because I didn’t take responsibility for myself, I am just saying for me, the illness gave me a different perspective on myself and my life. I had to be stronger than I even thought possible, and this gave me a renewed lease on life. I have lost many friends to cancer, among other things, and I am certainly not saying that those who didn’t make it were weak, so please don’t misunderstand. I am just talking about my journey, and my awakening that was pushed along by suddenly finding myself with a critical illness, I guess I am a stubborn MF, because it seems things have to get pretty intense for me to make a change but so be it, I am here, that’s what matters, and my life I now feel has some purpose beyond just being a Mom, which I am so grateful to be, and my love for my children did get me through a lot of times, just wanting to be with them as much as possible. I am not saying I know exactly what my life purpose is, but I think it is to help others and help the planet. Even if I could make a difference in one person’s life, I would feel that was worth the effort, so here we go. Thanks for tuning in.