Statistically, I Should Be Dead

I stopped looking at statistics on cancer especially the kind of breast cancer I was diagnosed with a few years ago.

It does nothing to soothe the anxiety, I’ll say that. Everyone knows you shouldn’t Google any medical condition. The results are always the same, the odds aren’t good. The odds weren’t good for me at all when I was first diagnosed with stage 4 Her 2+ breast cancer in October of 2018 at the age of 48. The cancer had gotten in my lymph fluid and pleural fluid around my lungs, it was in my blood, it was everywhere. That makes me what is called a “lifer” in the cancer world, which means I have to be on some sort of at least preventative meds for life, however long that is, no one knows for sure.

That used to bother me. I wanted the doctor to tell me how long I have now? Since I beat their initial odds for me which was only a couple of months when I was first diagnosed with cancer and had pneumonia at the same time, and a threat of lung collapse because of the malignant pleural effusion in my chest itself, not to mention the fluid was cancerous. I had to come to terms with the idea that yes I could die, but also, I could live for a while. I wanted to live as long as possible, so I chose to fight the mighty behemoth that is cancer, and realize everyone is going to die one day, it’s just a matter of when, which no one knows.

After a week in the hospital, I was released, but still weak. I couldn’t walk from my bedroom to the kitchen without taking a break in the den, and it’s not that far of a walk. I started the initial 6 months of chemo on Halloween in 2018.

Then the trimodal treatment continued with surgery in May of 2019, which allowed me to be considered no evidence of disease (NED). Then I endured radiation for 6 weeks daily during December/January 2019-2020 mostly due to the inflammatory breast cancer part of my illness, which means it was in my skin as well as having a tumor. The surgery took care of the tumor, though they like to do radiation to help keep cancer from coming back to the skin.

Now it’s almost two and a half years later and I’m still here, and
I am considered no evidence of disease (NED) it’s called for someone like me, which means the cancer is under control, but it’s not quite the same as remission.

But I’ll take it if it means even one extra day of life with my kids, I am grateful for it. My preventative treatments are now down to one IV med a month and a couple kinds of anti-cancer pills that have bad side effects, but I’ve learned to manage them. I often have to go get hydrated at the cancer clinic once a week but I figure it’s good for my insides, they like it.

I’m not sure where I was going with all this. I guess just to say when things get tough, go tougher, though I’m at a point in my life where I feel I could use a break, it’s been a tough couple of years.

A lottery win would be nice? Just putting that out there. For a long time, I haven’t felt any energy much for my creative endeavors, like this blog, as I work full time as a copywriter and I’m a single Mom so my life is pretty full. Add cancer into the mix and a lot of other stuff and it just zaps my energy like that but lately, I have felt that creative itch in my hands. Also, I took a few days off my day job because I hit this wall of exhaustion and I knew my body needed to rest. Then it occurred to me maybe the creative flow never leaves me, I just leave it when I get into my mode of like I have to make money and don’t have time for letting my mind wander but that is all I want to do.

I made these earrings last night. I like to play with crystals, healing stones, and beads.

And I like to write my own weird thoughts down even though I feel like not many people read them. If you are reading this I thank you. What is writing if not to try and connect with other humans in some way?

The other day I drove around for a couple hours just listening to Prince while I ran some errands, but it was divine. I’d had a bad day at work last week and was sort of reeling from it but driving around listening to Prince’s genius made me realize it’s really not the end of the world, just a bad day at work. I am here, I am alive, I have the energy to create things and write down my thoughts. I used to write my thoughts in scribbles in journals to make sure no one would read them. Now I write them on a blog where I fear no one will read them. Funny how time, and facing one’s own mortality changes one’s perspective.