Well, kids, I guess I’m like the energizer bunny I just keep going and going. So far so good, even after a bout of Covid in September which remained light I think due to having a full vaccine and a booster but I still caught a mild case, changed jobs, took care of my kids, house, and animals so forth so overall it wasn’t too bad even as a cancer patient.
I don’t usually feel like a cancer patient and because I am considered “ no evidence of disease” I am one of the lucky ones most people don’t make it this far and I hit the three-year mark in October of 2021.
My doc says I have to be on these targeted therapy drugs though, for life, however long that is, but like I said I don’t pay much attention to statistics, if I did I would already be dead, read my last post for more about that.
I found out my ex-boyfriend died though, at the beginning of November. He was considered a scoundrel by many but he was my main caretaker and he stuck around when I was in the worst of my cancer so for that I do appreciate him being around but ultimately he and I split up right before the pandemic, which is probably a good thing, though I wished him no ill will, but less than two years after our break up he was dead at 45.
His weak heart finally gave out on him, he was a man of big appetites for things that were not healthy for him, he managed to keep it together when he was with me but he was unraveling after his baby’s Momma died and ultimately was his own worst enemy and had his heart broken too many times in the past when he lost his own Momma at a relatively young age. I tend to attract men who want a Mom I guess I have strong maternal qualities, but all I really needed him to do was get a job and he wouldn’t. It was more complicated than that but that’s another story for another post. I know way too much about Kentucky that’s all I’m saying about that.
So I remain mostly in my solitude except for my kids who I share custody with their Dad, so there are times when I am completely alone but I really have come to enjoy the alone times. Even when I ache from my ongoing treatments I don’t really get lonely, I have the birds and trees to keep me company and music and projects and work too of course.
I don’t really think about being a chronic cancer patient much at all either except when I go to the doctor every three weeks I go for full lab work and ongoing treatment to keep me alive. I am grateful for life, I feel there is more I have left to do, although keenly aware that most people don’t make it past 5 years in cases like mine, but like I said I don’t concern myself too much with statistics. What I do is try to do is slow down, don’t sweat the small stuff, take time to enjoy conversations with my kids, watch how the light changes during the day, notice the moon, stargaze. Life is too short to be bickering or unhappy about this and that. Live on this earth is so precious, don’t take it for granted. I wish we had more peace, less violence, and suffering in the world, I really do.
I know everyone says that but when you live with a chronic illness that you don’t know when it might bear its ugly teeth and kill you, it changes your perspective you know, some become bitter and angry, some surrender, some just enjoy what they can out of life and try to leave a lasting impression. You know ultimately isn’t that what everyone wants to know that others knew they were there? And they left some love in the world before they left and enjoyed life as much as they could with their loved ones? That’s all that matters to me, and that my kids will be taken care of too. Life is a gift, try not to squander it.
Update: my last scan this past week, Jan 4, was considered normal, though I am experiencing chronic bone and muscle pain in my hip and legs, and foot. So that’s fun. Carry on, live your best one and precious life, at least this time around.
Petrichor - An Online Journey 