Made it to 51

Well as I write this I am 51 and one day old, and grateful for it. I hear a lot of women complaining about getting older but for me it’s like a gift. This is how it is I think for people like me who are cancer survivors. So for me to still be here is a gift, even in this crazy, fucked up, post Covid world.

But now that my last Petscan was clear, it’s weird, but I don’t know what to do with myself here at the two year mark. If I could do anything I wanted I would travel but of course it’s a pandemic so kind of stuck at home. But I can dream dreams in my head.

I feel really good though. I just want to have that on record. Better than I have in a long time. So what’s next? I’m working a new job and that’s all great, and being a Mom but that’s a given. What I mean is what is next for me personally? Like I guess I feel like I want to contribute something else in the world but what is the thing? Is it this blog? My book? A podcast? Some online magazine type thing? Video blogging? Tiktok? My kids would be mortified, but I have this urge to talk to people. I just don’t know. All of the above?

But it will come to me. I’ve always had this feeling that I’m supposed to bring something to the world. My friend Tonya and I joke that we have delusions of grandeur. But what is wrong with wanting to leave a mark on the world? Especially when you realize how short and precious life is, what do we have but other people’s memories of us. I say that a lot but it’s true. So carry on, sing your song. It’s quite miraculous we are all here.

My country is burning

Today I was reminded of growing up in the 70s and 80s in a small neighborhood near downtown Atlanta now known as Morningside/ Virginia Highlands. Things are a lot different now then they were when I was a kid or are they? And my heart is breaking. I love Atlanta, my hometown where I still live and work and raise my children. But I can’t unsee what I have seen.

I also remember the riots and looting when the Rodney King beating and trial happened and the subsequent riots and looting in LA that happened after and I was horrified then as I am now that this kind of excessive use of force happened then and before then, and continued to happen and is still happening and black men and women are being killed. It has to stop.

I remember once when I was a child my kindergarten teacher asked me where I was going to 1st grade and I said CW Hill which was in a predominantly black neighborhood downtown and we were close enough they bussed us in. We weren’t that many years past desegregation. Anyway she asked me if that was a “black” school and I said no it was brick. Because I really thought she was asking me if the school building was black in color, I had no idea what she meant.

My Mother was horrified at this lady, a teacher, for even asking me that. I didn’t understand her words but I felt her racism, like a nausea that came over me, a churn to the stomach. That feeling you get when something just isn’t right. I tell my children if you feel that feeling around a person speak up and move away from the person who makes you feel that way.

My parents were always advocates for all people and my father had marched in the civil rights protests in Mississippi when he was in grad school in the early 60s so my family is no stranger to protests. This racism and use of force is not new in the world but it has to stop. I get it why people are mad. I am mad, I am sick about it.

I also see counter groups using the Black Lives Matter campaign which has been peaceful, to insight violence in peaceful protests. I have seen videos of police using excessive force over and over again, this is an abuse of power. I have seen video of young, white children in riot gear in Atlanta standing in a line, what is that?

But I have seen other things that give me hope. A line of women protecting the crowd behind them from police. People chasing down looters and others inciting violence, police officers joining protestors. People joining forces to protest peacefully all over the world. People cleaning up after damage was done to their city. All hope can’t be lost.

I was innocent, I suppose as a child, but I grew up around a diverse group of people and I truly was taught not to judge people by the color of their skin but by the content of their character as MLK, Jr said.

So to see peaceful protests which were very powerful, go into damage and looting just made me sad for us all but also I thought well we watched a man be murdered I mean where is the moral law in that? I know people are angry and fed up and we all are, we should be regardless of color, it’s a human outrage. Racism is a sickness that runs rampant and it’s not any different here in my home city of Atlanta, the emerald city I used to call it because that’s what it reminded me of when we went downtown when I was a little girl. I love my city, and my country.

Something needs to change and if revolution is what’s needed to awaken the people then so be it. The other part of me wants peace but we can’t just go from war to peace. There is so much dissonance in the way. The ugly underbelly of racism has been exposed even more by this pandemic and it seems to show where we are weak in general in this country, and globally. Change is eminent. Evolve or we all suffer, the time is now for new beginnings. It’s time to wake up and effect positive change. Listen to your gut. Speak up when you see or hear hate or racism. We all have to stand together. I hear you my brothers and sisters. I love you. I am an advocate. #blacklivesmatter

Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all those who nurture out there. You don’t have to be a Mom to nurture, you don’t even have to be female to nurture and care for each other.

I feel especially in today’s weird world what the human race needs is nurturing, what the earth needs is nurturing. If we care for her she will care for us. If we abuse her, she will suffer and then so all humans will suffer unknowingly. The balance has to be restored in the human collective for us all to live.

Mother’s Day is especially poignant to me since cancer diagnosis in October of 2018 when they only gave me a few months to live. The main thing that got me through it where I am still here today is the love for my children. I knew I wasn’t ready to leave them yet so I fought like hell and I’m still here celebrating a second Mother’s Day since diagnosis and no evidence of disease. I am so grateful and happy and honored to be a Mother. I cherish this time with my children.

If we are all children of the earth, we should treat earth like our mother, with honor and respect. Let the balance be restored. Let us all heal from the trauma and carry on. Blessed be.

For my last love ❤️ a poem by me

I am sifting through the heartache, picking through the remnants of the end of something we once called the great love of our lives.

Now there’s only scraps, memories, dreams, visions of a smile and how you helped me up the stairs if I lost my balance; but something changed. You were not always the you that you were when we first met.

You tried to keep it from me but I saw, and I loved you anyway, through darkness and light but I needed all my energy to live, and you wanted it too, so someone had to go.

And that was you. I’m sorry old soul.

I changed a lot too.And now you already have another love, she looks a lot like me and her life reflects mine so I wish you well this time around.

Give her all of your heart not just part of it. You told me part of your heart will always be with me and maybe that was the problem, part of both our hearts were always caught up in ghosts.

But we were alive and we lived and loved so that’s all that matters. At some level I’ll always love you; but maybe we know too much about each other’s darkness to be together in this world.

As Hendrix said, “Meet you in the next one, don’t be late”. Peace be to you, my love.

Love forever, Molly aka MsM ❤️

Quarantine day I don’t know

It’s been probably 9 weeks of self quarantine for me I think I have lost track. The kids help me stay on track, otherwise without a job, I would totally loose track of the day. I’ve been applying for a lot of jobs but the market is slow, and many contracts at least I am seeing a cut in rates. I even had one recruiter tell me it was “Covid-19” rates? Um.. how is that a thing. Don’t get me wrong I am full y aware of the situation but I simply can’t take a pay cut that cuts my rate in half from what I was getting pre-pandemic? Don’t get me wrong I am happy to even be considered and am considering all jobs at this time, but it has to be one I can live on as basically a solo income as a divorced Mom and I don’t have it in me to work two and three jobs to get by like I used to. I just want one great job, flexible with remote and well paying with benefits and paid time off and cool people and work. As much as I also would love to move West, I’m getting a lot of jobs like that too where it starts remote but then would have to move. I am not in a place where it would be easy for me to move though due to life circumstances, especially on a short term contract, so remote is best! Thanks in advance universe!

Dream a little dream

Last night I had a dream that I was still on earth, but there was no pandemic. I woke up like oh no, is this the real world now? So now I have to try to stay alive 3 ways. Keep fighting cancer, don’t get Covid-19 and also find a job during a pandemic that won’t kill me since I was laid-off my last full time gig. I actually thought I had gotten a part-time remote job, but the recruiter made a mistake apparently and that fell through. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I wish I could be paid just to talk because that comes easy for me. I am currently brainstorming that strategy. Wish me luck! Be well!

A lay-off hit

Well it happened yesterday. I was called my my recruiting firm to tell me my contract ended early due to budget cuts. Actually I think what happened was I was covering for someone who was on maternity leave and they came back and then the pandemic hit.

I knew it was coming or had a feeling and I have been through this many times as a contractor but it still isn’t fun.

I had been putting my resume out for a few weeks and have had several interviews so even during a pandemic companies are still interviewing, that’s the good news.

I know I’ll be alright. Been through worse. Take a deep breath and stay focused is all I could say to others who may be going through same thing. I’m going to take some time to update my portfolio. Then I hit the job boards hard. I’ll apply to at least 20 a day, it’s a numbers game.

I’m more concerned about keeping my kids on an even mental state. We walk at least once usually twice a day. My youngest has decided to take this time to learn to skateboard. I guess I could be working on my book too. There’s always something to do. May the odds be forever in your favor. Stay well!

Self-imposed partial quarantine is nothing new to me

10 things you can do to combat the blues, stress, or boredom when you are stuck at home

So as I write this I am just chilling at my home partially due to the virus pandemic because of having a “chemo-lite” treatment yesterday which makes my immune system lower so as much as I hate it, that makes me slightly more at risk so I am being extra careful. I often keep to myself though like this as much as possible especially after a preventative cancer treatment so it’s nothing new to me, but I know it’s new to a lot of people. Plus I don’t feel great for a few days after the treatment as it makes me achy. So here I am in partial self-imposed lockdown. My kids are with their Dad. I often take the weekends I am off from parenting to rest and reflect anyway, but now lots of people are doing it.

I know it sucks but I think as far as limiting the spread of this pandemic it’s probably best. Here are 10 things I do when I decide to stay home to relieve stress and feel better, especially if I am wanting to avoid the dreaded news feeds. Of course it’s different when the kids are here but maybe I’ll make another list then.

1. Clean the house and or work in yard

Yes I’ve been cleaning a lot as energy allows plus it’s a good thing to do. Wash sheets and towels, wipe off all surfaces. Work outside too. I learned yesterday I had a Vitamin D deficiency so I guess I need to go outside more too. We probably all do with all the rain and now being stuck inside potentially for awhile. So go outside! Soon it will be warm enough to plant a garden too plants can be delivered too, I highly recommend that as well. Also it’s a good time to clean out closets and organize the home too.

2. Organize desk

As a writer and since I work from home I like to clean my desk off from time to time. I did that today trying to prepare for next week when we start home schooling basically since school starts “virtually” on Monday so I wanted to have my space clear just because it clears my head too. Plus many people may be working from home that can, so do make sure you have some sort of dedicated workspace if you can.

3. Make some art

I like to create stuff, sometimes I just doodle but sometimes I make jewelry. Clay is fun and or painting too.

4. Watch a show or movie

That’s an easy one. I don’t have cable but I have a smart TV with lots of channels. Currently I am actually watching Dazed and Confused again as I write this because.. nostalgia.

5. Go for a walk

I’ve seen a lot of people out walking today as I did have to make one stop at the CVS drive through to get some medications, but it was nice to see kids out in their yards for a change.

6. Listen to music or make your own

This is a big one for me. If you know me you know I’m always listening to and posting music online. I can’t help it, it’s almost an obsession. Or maybe I’ll take up playing the piano again. I have my grandmother’s piano here.

7. Call friends, family and/or check on a neighbor

In these trying times, sometimes it doesn’t feel so good to be alone so don’t forget you can always call a friend or family member or check on a neighbor, make sure everyone is ok. Make someone laugh.

8. Take a nap or listen to meditations

I’m a huge fan of weekend naps to be honest but that’s just me. I don’t always want to watch tv or be online so I will often rest on weekends, and if I don’t sleep I like to listen to guided meditations on YouTube to rest and relax my body/mind/spirit and it helps me feel better. It’s a stressful time and as we all know stress lowers the immune system.

9. Play games

I like to play Words with Friends because I figure it stimulates the brain and I find it distracts me from my own thoughts. There are lots of online games.

10. Start a group chat

Sometimes it’s fun to talk to a group of friends online if you aren’t avoiding the online world, it’s like being in a room full of people without being in a room full of people and conversations can be amusing and or helpful.

So those are 10 things you could do while stuck at home. I might make another one when my kids are back, but this is all I have for now. We will get through this. Be well.

It’s a crazy world right now

Yes things are officially crazy, they closed basketball, and I think I heard baseball too, don’t quote me on that. Then I just heard Disneyland is closing, and Broadway. These are certainly interesting times. I mean yes of course I am concerned, and no this is not good. They closed the stock market, schools are closing though not in my county yet, but it’s probably only a matter of time. Covid-19 is making people sick, stuck places, and crippling the world economy. I’m still taking it all in so forgive me for being presumptuous, but I am not scared. No I’m not cocky about it but I guess I feel like, well I survived cancer, so I’ve already faced my mortality, my livelihood going away, lost my hair, and possibly my mind a little bit.

What we are seeing here is mass fear on a grand scale. And with good reason I’m not saying it’s not scary, I’m saying how do we turn it around? I think common sense comes to mind first, like everyone is saying, wash your hands. I learned how to wash my hands when I worked in a pre-school. Even though it has impact on life as we know it, probably shutting things down is the smartest way to control the spread.

Because here’s the thing, we don’t even have enough tests. I’ve been too a hospital facility twice in the last two weeks and they asked everyone have you had a fever and have you traveled out of the country? But only one place actually took my temperature. I’m pretty certain in my humble opinion way more people have been exposed to the virus or may have it then has been reported but what can we do really? Tomorrow I go for my monthly preventative cancer treatment I am curious how the clinic will be handling all this.

I know people are going to work sick. I’m lucky to work from home but I worked all through cancer treatments for over a year now because I couldn’t afford to take time off, and I am not unlike many people. I know not everyone can work from home, but I think that’s probably the best way to contain this pandemic too is for people to stay home. Should the government help? Yes, a payroll tax cut isn’t going to help, people are going to need a lot of assistance. I do kind of wish they would close the K-12 schools for a bit, as many colleges and universities are closing. Will that impact the workforce yes, but this is a public health emergency. It seems the virus effects kids less then older people or people who are immune-compromised, but kids could spread it far and wide.

This is just my two cents but I would say live your life and try to find joy somewhere but also wash your hands. I’ve been cleaning touchy surfaces daily, like doorknobs, light switches, remotes, computers, even my steering wheel. It may not be a question of if a lot more people get the virus, it’s more like when. Try to keep a cool head but also take care of yourself. I take a vitamin C multi- vitamin daily, have been for a long time to boost my immune system. Get enough sleep, but don’t buy all the toilet paper. Look out for your neighbors, this is an opportunity for humans to expand their hearts. I don’t know what’s going to happen honestly, no one does. But if we use common sense and help each other out we can get through this. Stay strong.

Update: Since I posted this they closed my county schools and the kids will do virtual learning.

Surviving 2 Ways

As I mentioned before, I am a breast cancer survivor. So far, I’ve lived about a year more than they thought I would but “they” aren’t always right. In the past year and a half or so since I was diagnosed with breast cancer I have had to look for work two times once last March when I was let go from an insurance company of all things due to budget cuts. Now I’m looking again because the contract I am on is cutting my hours due to, again, budget cuts, so here I go again looking for work.

It’s difficult fighting cancer daily and still having monthly preventative treatment and also just hustling to survive life.

Currently I am doing a couple different gigs to survive and looking for more work. My current job I never told I had cancer at the time, well I was clear of cancer when I started this contract anyway, but I thought it better not to tell them. It’s hard to know the best thing to do about that because even if you are “ no evidence of disease” they call it, there is ongoing preventative treatment. So I am at a point now again looking for work and wondering do I tell them about the cancer and the year of chemo, and the surgery and the 33 rounds of radiation and the ongoing monthly IV treatment, all while working full-time, remote is my best option. But they say all that ongoing treatment is keeping me healthy? I really don’t know. Legally, companies aren’t supposed to discriminate against people with disabilities, which cancer is considered by law, though I can’t get disability from the government and I’m too young to retire unfortunately, even though I’ve been working in some form since I was 13 and I’m 50, y’all.

All this during a pandemic, great timing, but if I can survive cancer, I feel like I could handle anything, though trying to keep stress down, if that’s even possible. There was a time in my life I was working 5 little jobs, then 3 before being diagnosed with cancer. Occasionally I have only 1 job but it seems like it’s better to have 2, in case 1 falls through. As a divorced Mom with two kids and a mortgage, and a lot of debt because cancer took all my money basically, this is just what I have to do. Not always super fun, but such is life. I try to just hang on to the belief that things will work out. I have to believe that I didn’t come this far to just fall down and not get back up again. I’m good at getting up. So in the name of flagrant self-promotion here is my portfolio: https://rockwaterglass.wixsite.com/mollymchaney. I’m a copywriter by trade so if you hear of any leads, hit me up.