Thoughts on love

After living for half a century, I still haven’t figured out how love works. I can’t seem to hang on to it for long. Maybe that’s just how it works. People come together for a time, then go their separate ways. I do know some people have longevity in their relationships but it seems I have not mastered this ability.

I have to remember to appreciate the good times, the times of love with another person, and then times to myself where I get to practice self-love. It gets difficult, especially with all that I have been through.

Critical illness will change your entire mindset and I often seem to set my sites on loves that need saving, but sometimes I can only save myself. But they save me too for a time.

Maybe that’s the problem, we get so busy trying to save each other, we forget why we are together, or I don’t know the weight gets to heavy maybe with a critical illness in tow especially. I am well now, but there’s always that fear in the back of my mind, not even fear, just a thought, that the cancer could come back, and I don’t want to put loved ones through that again, I don’t even want to put myself through that again. But it’s hard to have that expectation to keep another person alive, when you are trying to keep yourself alive.

It’s been said before, we are all dying, it’s just a matter of what rate of speed. A woman in the breast cancer group I am in died today, I didn’t even know her, but I shed tears anyway because so many people die from this horrible disease and I felt that loss, but at least she is at peace and doesn’t have to do more treatments. It’s a constant battle, and then my love and I were battling and I just couldn’t fight anymore, not when I feel like I am fighting so much, plus raising two teenagers.

So sometimes we let go because we do love the person that much that we have to send them away to find their own way in the world, and it’s hard, because if you still love that person, its like ripping your own heart out. Unfortunately, or fortunately, it has to be done sometimes. The cracks are where the light gets in, I’ve heard, though the cracking will feel like it’s killing you too.